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  • Biem D'hondt


Embracing Chaos: A Journey of Self-Discovery

In a world colored by the Greek mythological concept of Eris, the goddess of discord, chaos has been an intrinsic part of her life. This is the world that our interviewee, Eris, inhabits - a realm where chaos both embraces and challenges her existence. Underneath their struggle with self-identity, depression, and drug induced escapism lies her fight to embrace the complexities and contradictions of life.

We met at ‘de tuin van Kina’. Snails were hiding in their shells and even the frogs were looking for dry land. Yet even in the grayest of times this little sanctuary whispered secrets of solace. Slowly the Araucaria Araucana unveiled another solitary form. Eris, long and lean, flowed towards us. They reluctantly embrace the essence of ambiguity, acknowledging that while they possess some answers, not all answers are readily available to them.

“I always reside within the realm of uncertainty. I can never truly, genuinely say yes or no to something - of course, racism and discrimination are always a no - as numerous aspects of my life are accompanied by profound doubts. Chaos.”

Her quest for authenticity is both liberating and challenging - a dance between self-expression and the happiness of others. “I possess a clear understanding of my convictions, yet frequently place the happiness and satisfaction of others over my own, sacrificing a part of myself in the process. Being of service. Although I don't necessarily perceive myself that way.”

Eris, a name carefully chosen, derives from the Latin verb 'esse' meaning 'to be.' In the film Sinbad, a powerful goddess Eris - dressed in her favorite color, purple - emerges as the antagonist, an ever-evolving force that pushes the boundaries of her existence. Eris also holds significance as the name of a dwarf planet located in the Kuiper Belt of our Milky Way, located in the outskirts of our solar system. The discovery of Eris sparked a reclassification of what constitutes a planet, ultimately leading to the demotion of Pluto as a dwarf planet. “These meanings deeply resonate with me. I often feel like an outsider both within society and in the broader scope of my endeavors. The truth is, I’m uncertain about my path and purpose. I simply strive to navigate this journey of self-discovery and being.”

"I always seek out boundaries, pushing the limits of what is socially acceptable but still within the realm of okay. In Berlin, I found myself immersed in such a boundary-pushing environment, within the queer porn scene. Collaborating with the magazine Pornceptual allowed me to express my artistic vision on fluidity of identities and bodies. The freedom to transcend one single label or category. I embraced the ever-changing nature of my identity, constantly evolving and reshaping itself. The porn in the magazine is aesthetic and erotic rather than purely sexually objectifying. And it’s very inclusive.”

“Berlin became a catalyst for my exploration, but it's an ongoing journey. I was more free from the shackles of queer phobia and societal constraints. Yet within this realm of boundlessness I’ve come to appreciate certain self-defined limits. It‘s a place where one can delve into the depths of their desires, where the freedom to be who you truly are blurs the lines between self-discovery and self-destruction. There’s definitely a darker side to self-definition. Defining myself would limit my growth, but at the same time, it would provide answers to my constant wandering. Feeling lost is a struggle for me, and I often rely on coping mechanisms like drugs as an escape. I’m not doing so well, so I’m seeing a psychologist to confront and heal from traumas, with the ultimate goal of reducing my dependence on substances and to alleviate the burden of guilt when I use.”

“In the past, I was involved with OnlyFans, where I would express myself through movements and actions with my body, sharing and exhibiting pleasure to others while receiving financial compensation for it. Queer porn is liberating for me because that's where I feel I can expand who I am. It's the aspect of being queer that I find most exhilarating - the ability to explore and express my sexuality. Although being queer is not the easiest thing. The challenge doesn't actually stem from queerness itself, but rather in the societal environment that constructs a distorted perception. It's a challenge that I've internalized, making me believe that I am the problem. It's akin to an inferiority complex. I’m actively working on not feeling worse about myself.

I am committed to maintaining both vulnerability and clear boundaries, choosing not to reflect my internalized pain onto straight individuals - once again. Such actions offer no solution and only serve to deepen the rift between my pain and their misconceptions. Try to remain kind, but know when to step back if the world becomes too harsh to bear.”

Eris’ journey towards self-discovery is not a linear path. It is a tapestry woven with experiences, emotions, and revelations, where chaos and order intertwine. She reminds us that true liberation comes from accepting and celebrating the multifaceted nature of our existence - the shadows and the light, the chaos and the order.

Instagram : @theholyjane

Tekst : Biem D'hondt

Foto's : Marijn Achten


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